Adventures in Insanity
by Shinoko
Summary: Draco wakes up one day to find everything weird. The next day, things are so much worse...
1. Why am I wearing leather pants?!

**Disclaimer:** Nothing belongs to me. Except for Bob the talking trunk. And possibly the Sacred Fish.  
  
((**Author Notes:** Before you ask, yes, I am insane. This takes place sometime after Book 4, for there are spoilers at the end. All plotholes are deliberate. Flames will be used to roast marshmallows and make S'mores. If you don't like, don't flame. Tell my why you didn't like it. Constructive criticism is much better than pointless flames.))  
  
  


**Adventures in Insanity**

**_Chapter 1_**: What the--? Draco's weird day  
  
Even before he woke up and opened his eyes, Draco Malfoy knew that he was going to have a very weird day. Why? Well, for starters, Crabbe and Goyle were belching a Michael Jackson song, and they didn't even know any Michael Jackson songs. Neither did Draco, for that matter, so he didn't know how he could recognize what they were belching as such. Never the less, there they were. Reluctantly, he opened his eyes, which he immediately regretted, because they were not only belching a Michael Jackson song, they were also dancing, or rather, Moonwalking.  
  
Hoping that they were simply under a spell, he slowly got out of bed, keeping a wary watch on his fellow Slytherins, lest they attempt to get him to join in. It was unfortunate that he watched them instead of where he was going, for he bumped (and fell over) right into his trunk, which had positioned itself for just that.  
  
"Ow! Dammit!" Draco swore as he sat up, rubbing his leg, which was now hurting. In doing so, he suddenly realized... "Why am I wearing leather pants?!" He broke into a string of profanities that will not be said here, lest the rating become higher than it already is.  
  
"Hmph. I would think that would be obvious. This isn't your reality anymore," his trunk huffed, stunning Draco into silence. He could only stare in shock as it began to talk again. "Now if you'll excuse me, there's a trunk in the girls' dormitories that I've been having my eye on. Laters!" With that, the trunk began moving towards the door.  
  
After a few seconds of stunned silence, during which Crabbe and Goyle had started upon a new song, Draco finally found his ability to speak again (but not move yet). "Guys! There's a talking, moving trunk going across the room right now!"  
  
Crabbe stopped his belching and looked at Malfoy as though he was the stupidest creature ever to walk the earth. "Of course he is. What did you expect?"  
  
Goyle waved to the trunk. "Bye, Bob!" The trunk, or rather, "Bob," waved back, despite the fact that that's not possible, and the two of them resumed belching Michael Jackson songs.  
  
Seconds passed, and about 42 of those passings of the seconds later, Draco finally decided that he had to get out of there. True, he feared that the rest of the castle was worse, but his roommates' breath was starting to stink up the room. He looked down at himself, unsure of whether he should go out wearing nothing but leather pants. Well, that and the shoes he somehow was now wearing. Deciding to risk it, he quickly got off the floor, and dashed out of the dorm room, which he immediately regretted.  
  
The common room was now completely covered in mirrors, in which the Potions Master was gazing. "Yes, I am dead sexy," he muttered to the mirror, which responded with something along the lines of "Well, of course you are. How else would you have so many fangirls?"  
  
Praying that Snape didn't see him, Draco tried to run out of the common room. Unfortunately, tried is the key word, as apparently something had happened during the night that made the entrance/exit to the common room disappear and become nothing but wall. So nursing a bloody nose, which thankfully wasn't broken, Draco looked around the room, hoping to find some other way out. But alas, none was to be found. Perhaps if it were not located in the dungeons, there might have been a window that he could have crawled out of...  
  
Seeing his student's predicament in the mirror, Snape turned around, scowling. "You're not going to be able to leave until you feed the sacred fish." Seeing Draco's look of confusion, the professor pointed to a shark tank that had not been there before, but never the less, was there.  
  
Being as that he had no other method of escape, Draco decided that it be best if he played along. "Well, what do I feed it?"  
  
Once again he was given the 'how-can-anyone-be-that-stupid?' look. "It prefers first years, but it will take second or third years if it's particularly hungry and not in a picky mood." And so, Snape turned back around to admiring himself in the mirror, saying something along the lines of "I don't care how I'm described in the books, I must be dead sexy, for indeed I have many fangirls."   
  
Draco thought it be best to leave, but remembered that until he fed the "sacred fish", he'd be unable to. He didn't know any first years (or second or third years), so he wouldn't know who to feed to it anyway. And why was he now even thinking about feeding anyone to the shark? Oh, to get away from this madness. Get away from this madness...  
  
He hesitantly approached the shark tank. "Um, excuse me, but would it be possible for me to leave without feeding you, or possibly offer myself as food? I really want to get out of here, and at this point it doesn't really matter how."  
  
The shark quirked an eyebrow at him, despite the fact that sharks don't have eyebrows. ((**AN:** I think.)) "You have no clue, do you? I suppose I could let you go, as long as you complete a quest for me. See, neither of us wants a part in this insanity fic, and I can't find my way out as long as I remain the Sacred Fish. So, um..."  
  
"You want me to find a way out?" An insanity fic? That explained a lot.  
  
The shark nodded. "Would you? And death is not an option. I have a wife and kids back home that would be devastated if I lost my life in an insanity fic. Not to mention that you have an ongoing contract with some famous author person, and couldn't afford to die either."  
  
Indeed, the shark was odd, but Draco knew that this might be his only chance of getting out. "Um, okay..."  
  
The shark smiled, revealing its many sharp, pointy teeth. "Excellent! Off you go, then!" The tank moved aside, revealing a way out. "Just remember that if you fail, there could very well be a sequel!"  
  
Draco shuddered, nodded, and rushed out the opening, all at the same time, which resulted in him crashing to the ground outside. Wondering for a moment if perhaps it would be better to just lay there, he couldn't help but remember that shark's haunting words that there very well could be a sequel if he couldn't find his way out. If he needed any further motivation, it came in the form of Filch - who was wearing a tutu - waltzing down the hallway with Mrs. Norris. Shaking his head, he slowly stood up, and walked the other way down the hallway, trying to get that most frightening image out of his mind. Perhaps he could have someone use a memory charm.  
  
He walked, and walked, and for a while, it seemed that nothing else would bother him. Granted, he was in an unfamiliar part of the school, and completely lost, but at least nothing weird was happening. Well, the singing coming from that empty classroom might be-- _Singing from an empty classroom_?! This wasn't good. Reluctantly, he opened the door a crack and peeked inside.  
  
Instantly, he wished he hadn't. Inside, Harry Potter was tied up, while Lord Voldemort was dancing and singing "_Sweet Transvestite_". What was scarier was that Voldemort was in costume. Draco quickly left the room and shut the door, which got Potter's attention, but apparently not that of the Dark Lord. Or else the Dark Lord just didn't care.  
  
"Wait! Whoever you are! Come back!" Harry shouted. But it was too late, for somehow Draco had managed to run into the Great Hall, despite the fact that he was totally lost not too long before, and probably nowhere near the Great Hall.  
  
Of course the Great Hall was probably not the best place to run into, for there was a hoe-down taking place in it at the time. Draco stood frozen at the doors, stunned beyond belief. His father always told him that Dumbledore was a crackpot, but all of the other professors were dancing at the hoe-down. Even Professor Snape -- who must have been pried away from the mirrors in the Slytherin common room -- was there and surrounded by a flock of fangirls. And what would a hoe-down be if there weren't a few barnyard animals lurking about? And indeed, there were a few pigs crossing the dance floor, and a cow was mooing in the far corner.  
  
Exiting the Great Hall, he sat down in the Entrance Hall, wondering why he was stuck in a fic such as this. What had he done to deserve this? True, he had been an obnoxious git in the books, but did that mean that he had to be the "normal guy" in an insanity fic? Or even take the slightest part in an insanity fic at all? Pondering such things, he just sat, not wanting to explore the castle any further, just in case something weirder happened. Of course, that wasn't the best plan in the world.  
  
Draco looked up at the shadow looming over him. '_Not him. Anyone but him..._' Alas Gilderoy Lockhart was, for whatever reason, back in Hogwarts and facing him right now. "I get it. I'll leave," Draco muttered as he stood up.  
  
Lockhart looked confused. "But, I'm your spirit guide. I'm here to show you the way out. I-- Gyaa!" Malfoy had grabbed him by the shirt collar and slammed him against the wall.  
  
"You know the way out? Why didn't you tell me sooner? What kind of half-ass spirit guide are you?!" Small golden sparks began to emanate from Draco.  
  
Lockhart's eyes widened. "I... um... that is..."  
  
"It's because he's not your spirit guide. I am," spoke the ghost of Cedric Diggory, who was looking none to pleased that the former DADA teacher locked him up in a broom closet. "So let's get this over with..."  
  
Lockhart smiled condescendingly at the ghost. "I think I know a little more on being a spirit guide than you do. After all, I am a-- Gyaa!" He found himself flying high in the sky, way past the Forbidden Forest, until he was no longer in sight.  
  
Draco blinked a few times, his confusion overtaking his anger. "Um..."  
  
Cedric smiled. "I never liked him." He turned back to Draco, his face serious. "The good news is, the fic's almost over. The author is on a sugar low, and is running low on inspiration for this insanity fic. The bad news is, there's the possibility of a sequel. I suppose that the good news about that is you wouldn't be the only star. But you'd be just as insane as the other leads, so I suppose that it couldn't be all that good. Pray that she doesn't get inspired to write the sequel."  
  
Draco nodded. "The author's female. That explains a lot." Unsurprisingly, he was suddenly buried under a pile of rubber chickens that decided to land on him.  
  
Cedric laughed. "Good luck. You'll need it." With that, he vanished. Which was a good thing too, because moments later six oversized letters landed on the spot where he once had been standing, er, floating. Draco was able to dig himself partially out of the sea of rubber chickens to see.  
  
THE END  
  
Draco cheered. "Thank Dog!" Then six more letters and a question mark appeared and squished the previous letters.  
  
OR IS IT?  
  
Draco's eyes widened, and his scream could be heard everywhere. "Noooooooooooooooo!!!!!!"  
  
Elsewhere, the Sacred Fish began swearing about how he would have his revenge for whatever reason he could think of, just so long as he had his revenge.  
  
----- ----- ----- ----- -----  
  
Next time on "_Disco Voldemort's Super Fun Time Hour_", Draco gets the shock of his life, then gets tormented some more. Also, the potions lab blows up, and someone dies. Stay tuned! 


	2. Hogwarts! The Animated Series

**Disclaimer:** I still own nothing.  
  
((**Author Note:** I'm back, I'm still insane, and yes, I'm a major anime fan. See if you can catch all the references. ;) All Japanese words and terminology will be explained at the end. Reviews smiled upon, flames used to toast marshmallows with, constructive criticism preferred to pointless flames.))  
  
  


**Adventures in Insanity**

**_Episode 2_**: Nani?!?! Why is my hair purple?!?!  
  
When Draco Malfoy woke up the next morning he became aware of a few things. First of all, he was still being tortured, and despite ghost Cedric's reassurances, he was to be the main character of yet another insanity fic. That was enough to make him want to go to sleep. Second, he wasn't in his dorm room where he should be, which made him very grateful because the memories of Crabbe and Goyle belching Michael Jackson songs (and Moonwalking) were not exactly pleasant. Instead, he was in the hospital ward, for some unknown reason. The third thing that he became aware of was that everything around him was animated. Not animated as in alive. Animated as in cartoons-animated. Wait a minute... _Cartoons_?!  
  
Draco jolted up in his bed, and looked at his hands. Instead of the normal fleshy-looking real hands he had all his life, he was now just as animated as the rest of his surroundings. He glanced around the rest of the ward. Across the room Madame Pomfrey was fiddling with something on a shelf. She had pink hair. That was not normal... Warily, Draco picked up a mirror that was conveniently located on the stand by his bed. His normally silver-gray eyes were blue, and worst yet was his hair...  
  
"WHY IS MY HAIR PURPLE?!?!?!?!?!" he screamed, looking at his reflection in horror.  
  
Madame Pomfrey (who hadn't even flinched -- or in any other way responded to his outburst) looked over to him and smiled. "Oh, good. You're awake."  
  
He continued to stare at his mirrored self. "B-b-but why... is my hair... PURPLE?!"  
  
The nurse tilted her head. "I'd say that it's more of a very pale lavender. And I think it suits you."  
  
"My hair is supposed to be a very light blond color! Silvery-blond! Not purple, not lavender, not neon blue with yellow polkadots! Blond!"  
  
"Don't be silly. Nobody has polkadots in their hair."  
  
Draco sweatdropped, which seemed to please Madame Pomfrey greatly.  
  
"Oh, good. You're perfectly healthy. You should get to class now. _Ja ne_!" The nurse then shooed him out of the hospital wing.  
  
And so Draco found himself standing in the hall outside, wondering when he would wake up from this nightmare. Unfortunately, he had a sinking suspicion that this was all too real. Therefore, the only thing he could really do was to go along with it. Besides, he had to admit that somewhere deep down, he was strangely fascinated at the events that were unfolding. So he decided that he might as well go to class. Which class was it that he had, though? A little voice in his head reminded him that it was time for Potions. Despite his curiosity at why there was a voice in his head ("_I'm probably going crazy_."), he headed towards the dungeons to where his class would be held. Besides, if he didn't, then the story would be much shorter, but he didn't know that.  
  
As there is no need for filler, he found himself at the doorway to the Potions classroom. Which was a very good thing, for he didn't realize that if he had loitered around much longer, he would have seen a suprisingly genki Filch tango with Mrs. Norris down the hallway. Shrugging, he walked inside the lab. It was a little disconcerting to see his classmates animated, especially since none of them seemed to have very normal colored hair. But it made him a little less self-conscious about his own purple (or lavender...) hair. And the fact that at least he had a normal hairstyle while some of the other students now donned hairstyles that defied all laws of gravity. But the most disconcerting thing of all was the fact that Professor Snape (who had black eyes and dark blue hair) was dressed up as a samurai, complete with a sword strapped to his back.  
  
"You're late, Malfoy-dono. Take your seat," said Samurai Snape.  
  
Not wanting to meet the business end of the Samurai sword, Draco took his seat, while keeping a careful watch of those around him. Amongst the Slytherins, it appeared as though Pansy had somehow joined Team Rocket (even though he had no idea what that was) sometime between yesterday and today. Her hair was now dark green and defied gravity. Crabbe and Goyle both had annoyingly long noses, and were surrounded by what appeared to be a group of Gregorian monks who occasionally started chanting "Escaflowne!" whenever they did anything. Nobody else seemed to notice the monks. There were other Slytherins of course, including the androgynous Blaise Zabini (who looked even more androgynous animated), but none of them seemed very interesting, so he surveyed what sort of damage had befallen the Gryffindors, so that he could perhaps torment some of them later on.  
  
Weasley's normally red hair was now a bright orange color, and his eyes were now red. Other than that, however, he seemed to be perfectly normal, if that word could even be used to describe a Weasley. Then again, he was saying something to Granger about "not letting anyone see his Gundam and survive." Draco didn't even want to know what a "Gundam" was. Speaking of the mud-blood, she looked surprisingly normal (her hair and eyes were both the color they were supposed to be, and her hair didn't defy gravity), although Draco wondered why there were a bunch of women loitering near her. And why she was wearing what appeared to be the school uniform of a Japanese schoolgirl. Potter, however was very strange. His black hair was a deep -- and spiked -- purple (although still messy), and his bright green eyes were now a very dark green. And every so often he would break into a psychotic laugh, and mutter something about how it was only a matter of time before he would "take complete control over the Digital World," whatever that meant. So perhaps Draco would have to avoid him. Besides, he was dressed very strangely.  
  
Officially freaked out by his strange classmates, Draco turned back to Snape-sensei, who was in the process of assigning the class an essay on why the flower was so deadly, and the snake so soft. Or was it the other way around? Draco shifted in his seat as Snape went to a corner to muse about that, and wondered if they were actually going to _do_ anything in class. Granted, he wasn't the biggest fan of homework, but on a day like this, he would welcome it with open arms, just to have _some_ sort of normalcy. Especially since yesterday was so _not_ normal. He shuddered at the horrible, horrible memory of yesterday.  
  
Seeing as how the teacher was distracted with his musings, the other students took the opportunity to get out of their seats and socialize. And threaten to kill each other. Draco stayed put in his seat, not wanting to get involved with any of the freaks he once called classmates. Unfortunately, that proved to be nearly impossible, for within seconds, Pansy glomped him.  
  
"Draco-chan," she began as he tried to squirm away, "do you want to go out and help me capture the twerp's Pikachu?"  
  
"....."  
  
Draco didn't know what the hell a "Pikachu" was, and didn't want to know, nor did he know who "the twerp" was, and no amount of squirming was getting her off of him (she only tightened her grip), so with a free hand, he ki-blasted her into oblivion. She had always annoyed him. He was met with wild applause from everyone else in the room, including Snape-sensei, who had taken a very brief pause from his musings, but returned to his thoughts soon enough.  
  
Draco sighed and stood up. He knew that if he didn't interact with anyone, the fic would continue, most likely with descriptions of what some of his so far unmentioned classmates looked like animated. Therefore, he had to talk to someone. The question, though, was who? Despite the fact that there was still no plot, he somehow knew that there wasn't as much randomness in this fic as there was in the last one, so there must have been some underlying reason behind everything. It was only a matter of finding it.  
  
He scanned the room, trying to determine who he was supposed to talk to in order to get the story over and done with. Pansy was dead, so hopefully she wasn't the person he was supposed to talk to. Crabbe and Goyle were arguing about who the rightful owner of the "Escaflowne" was, while the monks were chanting in the background. Somehow Draco knew that they were only there for a cheap laugh or two, so he wasn't going to bother with them. Snape-sensei was _still_ musing over whether the snake was soft and the flower deadly, or whether it was the other way around, and he had a suspicion that he was only doing that because the author had nothing better for him to do. The rest of the Slytherins seemed to have strangely disappeared...  
  
Cursing his luck, Draco reluctantly approached the Gryffindors. Not directed to anyone in particular, he slowly asked, "Does anyone know what it's going to take to get this fic over with?" For a while, it seemed as though nobody heard him or paid him any attention at all, for they simply continued what they were doing before.  
  
Weasley was screaming at someone or another that he was going to kill them (and was pointing his gun at everyone to emphasize his point), Potter was laughing maniacally while typing something on a laptop that he seemed to have conjured out of nowhere, and Granger was talking to Longbottom (whose hair was now black, long, and in a ponytail) about something. Draco repeated his question, but no one seemed to have heard him. Or so it seemed until somehow Longbottom blew up the lab and a monster of some sort rose out of the spilled potion that he hadn't even been working on before. Granger took a few steps back, while Longbottom got into a fighting stance. Draco just stood there impatiently, wondering what the hell the author was thinking.  
  
"Sol Cosmic Power! Make Up!" Granger yelled while throwing her right hand into the air. The women who had been loitering near her earlier began singing something that sounded suspiciously like "Ooh, Sailor Sol!" while sparkly lights surrounded Granger (who was twirling madly) until she was no longer wearing the schoolgirl uniform that she'd been wearing before, and was now wearing a sailor _fuku_, complete with a very short skirt.  
  
"....."  
  
Out of nowhere a spotlight appeared on Granger, and she began posing. "How dare you attack a classroom where innocent children are trying to learn?! For love and justice, I am the pretty Sailor soldier, Sailor Sol! In the name of the Moon and sparkly things everywhere, I will punish you!"  
  
Longbottom was now fighting the monster, while Granger twirled some more while holding a rod that seemed to have been conjured from thin air. ("_I don't even want to know where she got that from_...") After about a minute of twirling (which resulted in more sparkly things and a few ribbons surrounding Granger), "Sailor Sol" finally shouted something ("_Ridiculously Named Sparkly Things and Love and Justice Attack_!")  
  
"....."  
  
A bunch of ribbons formed a giant heart, which somehow seemed to destroy the monster when it hit it. ("_Lovely_!") "Sailor Sol" looked pleased with herself (the rod returned to thin air), and Longbottom dropped the fighting stance, dusting off his Chinese-style clothes.  
  
"Very well," Longbottom spoke, "but I could have finished it off myself. No need for a mere girl to get involved."  
  
Granger (who had de-transformed) frowned, and splashed him with a bucket of cold water (which had also appeared out of nowhere), thus transforming Longbottom into a girl.  
  
"That's it. I'm outta here." Draco began walking to the door, hoping that somehow by running away, the fic would end. Unfortunately, the door had disappeared, much to the chagrin of some random student, who had to use the bathroom. "Dammit!"  
  
Granger, ignoring the screaming and cursing Longbottom, turned to him. "If you want out, you have to form a cast."  
  
Draco turned to her. "A cast?"  
  
Granger nodded. "Yes. And please stop referring to me as 'Granger'. I'm sure it's getting highly annoying to the reader, as it's highly annoying to me," said Hermione, who smiled. "Much better. As I was saying, if you want the fic to end, you have to get together a cast of characters, figure out what your quest is, go through all sorts of crazy adventures in the process, discover the bad guy, beat the bad guy, and hopefully then the fic will be over at last."  
  
"And if I don't?"  
  
Hermione shook her head sadly. "Then it's quite possible that you'll never leave, and whenever the author is inspired, you'll be forced to endure another round in this insane fic."  
  
While Draco thought over his options (which took a fraction of a second), the narrator interrupted.  
  
_"What will our reluctant hero choose? Will he ever get a cast of characters together? Will the insanity ever end? And why is Draco still wearing leather pants? Find out next time on Harry Potter Z!"_  
  
Before the episode could end, Draco frowned. "Why is the show named after him?! I'm the star! I should--"  
  
  
To be continued... eventually  
  
  
**Translations**  
Nani? = What?  
Ja ne = See you later  
Genki = Energetic, hyper  
Ki-blasted = Energy-blasted  
Fuku = Uniform  
  
**Honorifics**  
-chan = A term of endearment, usually reserved for close female friends of the same age or younger. When used on boys, it can come off as disrespectful and/or rude, unless they're considerably younger than the speaker or the speaker's boyfriend.  
-dono = Archaic term of great respect, but not quite reverence.  
-sensei = teacher 


	3. Leather pants, giant mecha, and pie

**Disclaimer:** Must I repeat myself? I own nothing.   
  
((**Author Note:** Writer's block truly sucks. I developed writer's block while in the process of writing this. So I might take a break from this while I try to get some inspiration back. Reviews like, flames pointless. I don't need people telling me why I'm a sucky writer who should never write again. I already know that.))  
  
  


**Adventures in Insanity**

**_Episode 3_**: "I am going to kill you..."  
  
Last time, Draco woke up to discover that he had somehow become a cartoon character, as had everyone else. Not only that, but his hair was _purple_. Before he could get any answers, he was sent to Potions class, where his classmates had developed various mental problems (and gravity-defying hair). And now back to the show!  
  
----- ----- ----- ----- -----  
  
It only took a fraction of a second for Draco to think over Hermione's advice that he play along with whatever the mad author had in mind. If he went along with it, he could very well leave the insane fic before things got _too_ out of hand. If he didn't, he might be trapped there forever.  
  
"Very well. Where should I start?" Draco sighed in resignation. Although there was always the hope of jumping off of the Astronomy Tower.  
  
Hermione shrugged. "Make friends." She glanced around the room. "Since Ron's got a big... um... Gundam... You might want to talk to him first. I may or may not join in later. All depends on group dynamics. Now if you'll excuse me, I must right wrongs and triumph over evil." With that, she ran out the door -- which had mysteriously re-appeared for her -- trailing cherry blossoms behind her. The random student who had to use the bathroom, unfortunately, was unable to run out the door before it disappeared again.  
  
"....."  
  
Shaking his head, Draco slowly walked over to Ron, who was arguing with Crabbe and Goyle over whose mecha was bigger ("....."), and waving his gun around for effect. The monks were aiding Crabbe and Goyle's argument by chanting "Escaflowne" over and over. Well, at least they were until Ron shot one of them, and the rest ran for cover.  
  
"....."  
  
More hesitant now than before, Draco slowed his approach. Even so, Ron spun around, and aimed his gun at him.  
  
"_Omae o korusu_," said the very psychotic Ron.  
  
Draco blinked. "Um, that's nice, but Gra-- er, _Hermione_, wanted me to come over and get you to join the cast." Noticing Ron's stony glare, he continued, "There will be pie."  
  
Ron smiled brightly and lowered his gun. "Yay! Pie!" He paused. "I'm still going to kill you, though, but not until after pie."  
  
"....."  
  
Ron glanced to the non-existent door. "Hmm... I think I can fix that." He whistled, and one of the walls was reduced to nothing but rubble as a giant mechanical hand burst through it.  
  
Draco blinked, and to his chagrin, found himself saying, "I am so very glad that you're one of the first people to be killed by the _Jinzoningen_ in the future." He blinked a few more times when he was done talking, wondering just where that had come from.  
  
Unfortunately, he didn't have much time to wonder about that, for somehow Pansy Parkinson (who was now wearing clothes very similar to Hermione's sailor _fuku_, only much more pink) had come back from the dead and latched herself onto his arm again. "Draccy-chan..." she smiled up at him, then glared at Ron. "Stay away from my Draco-chan." She tightened her grip on him.  
  
Draco sweatdropped. "Um, didn't I kill you? And why is your hair pink? Wasn't the original plan to be one person per series?"  
  
Fortunately, Ron did the world a favor by shooting Pansy, to which he was met by cheers, which soon died as he threatened those who were cheering with his gun. "Let's get out of here."  
  
Not really wanting to stay any longer than he had to, as his classmates were seriously disturbed, as was the professor, Draco agreed, and they headed to the mecha-made door. Unfortunately, they were stopped when Professor Snape somehow appeared before it (with a bunch of rose petals surrounding him).  
  
"I've finally figured it out! The snake is deadly and the flower soft! I want everyone to write a haiku or poem about it!" He finally took notice of the two students trying to leave. "Where do the two of you think you're going?"  
  
Ron narrowed his eyes, and started counting off syllables on his fingers. "If you do not move/ I am going to kill you/ So move, god dammit."  
  
Snape looked taken aback, and Draco was rather shocked at Ron's choice of words. Even he wouldn't go so far as to threaten a teacher. Even if there was some very strange sort of spell over everyone. And there would have to be, as Crabbe and Goyle were now trying to pick up girl-type Neville, who was alternating between screaming obscenities at the top of his/her lungs and throwing punches and kicks at them. His other classmates weren't faring much better. Yes, there was definitely a spell that everyone was under.  
  
In time, the teacher finally recovered, and went into melodramatic mode (which was highly disturbing). "Alas, the life of a flower is very short. Is it time for this flower to wilt and fade into thine yonder wind?" The rose petals flew around him in emphasis. "Speak, rogue, hast thee come to challenge me?" He drew out the sword strapped to his back, and dropped into a fighting pose. "I accept your challenge! Let's duel!"  
  
As Ron also dropped into a fighting pose, Draco knew that it would be pointless attempting to get him to join the cast at this point of time. What the hell was the author thinking, anyway? Was she really that bored? He supposed that she must be, as nothing really seemed to be happening. Maybe, dare he hope, maybe the insane fic was over.  
  
Alas, that was not fated to be, as soon enough, girl-type Neville had succeeded in kicking Crabbe and Goyle into Ron's Gundam, knocking them unconscious, and was proclaiming victory very loudly. Normally, Draco would think that such a thing might not be very important, but as there were constant mentions of him/her, he pretty much figured that Longbottom was supposed to be one of the cast members. He sighed in resignation. "Oi, Longbottom! Get over here!"  
  
Nev (as girl-type shall be referred to from now on) turned around and glared at him. "I will not date you, so don't even ask."  
  
Draco sweatdropped. "That's not what I was going to ask. I was going to ask if you'll join the cast to help escape this insane fic." Ignoring Nev's glare, he continued, "I won't hit on you, because that's just plain twisted and wrong, and there will be pie."  
  
"Will there be cake with frosting?"  
  
There was a long pause. "Um, I suppose."  
  
"Woo hoo!" Another pause. "Um... Do you have any hot water?"  
  
Draco shook his head. "No, but there's probably some in the Great Hall. And maybe there'll be a way out. Just as long as there isn't a hoe-down there."  
  
Nev shook her head and walked towards the door. "Nah, that was yesterday. Today is disco."  
  
"....."  
  
The narrator cleared his throat.  
  
_"And so the first two members of the cast got out of the lab. Destination: The Great Hall. Will Neville get the hot water he needs to change back into a boy? Will our heroes ever find the way out of this fic? Will Draco ever discover the reason why he's still wearing leather pants? On the next episode of Super Happy Fun Fun, My Hair is On Fire, Why is the Title so Long, Super Variety Hour with Fred and George, we shall find out at least one of those answers."_  
  
Draco frowned. "Fred and George. I'll bet that they're responsible for--"  
  
  
To be continued...  
  
  
**Translations**  
"Omae o korusu." = "I'll kill you."  
Jinzoningen = Artificial humans (i.e. androids, cyborgs, etc)  
Fuku = Suit; uniform  
Oi = A way of getting attention. (i.e. hey, yo, etc.)  
  
**Honorifics**  
-chan = Still used primarily for girls one is close to. When used on boys, is disrespectful, unless the boy is considerably younger, a childhood friend, or the speaker's boyfriend. (Thus, Draco is justified for his reactions when Pansy refers to him as "-chan", for she is being disrespectful, presumptuous, or both.) 


	4. Fire good, stupid pervert boys bad

**Disclaimer:** I own a slice of cake! But since I'm about to eat that, I own nothing. Not even cake anymore. :(  
  
((**Author Note:** Eep! How long has it been since I last updated? And don't answer that, it was rhetorical! And the rhetorical answer is January 5th, for you smart alecks who wanted to answer that. The reason why it took so long was that once again I came down with a bad case of writer's block, then I simply lost interest. It wasn't until I tried to write another fan fic (which never made it past the second sentence before I lost interest) that I decided to finish this chapter. Will chapter 5 see the light of day before 2003? Who knows? Review, for apparently only 8 people have read this.))  
  
  


**Adventures in Insanity**

**_Episode 4_**: "Fireball!"  
  
Last time, a bunch of stuff happened. Ron killed a monk, then he killed a Pansy, then he got into a duel with Snape. Draco and Neville managed to escape the Potions lab in search of the Great Hall. And so we return after an almost six month absence. Blargh.  
  
----- ----- ----- ----- -----  
  
While the heroes of our story make their way to the Great Hall, the camera brings the viewer's attention to the Slytherin common room, where the Sacred Fish is pacing in its tank.  
  
"Where can he be? Honestly, has everyone forsaken me? Not only does that punk kid not help me when he promised he would, but now that bumbling fool has turned his back on me. After everything... I even restored his memory for this! I'm hungry..." The shark stopped its rant to smile and laugh evilly, its sharp teeth gleaming in the light, even though there was no light to be found anywhere, as no one bothered to leave any lights on.  
  
The Sacred Fish's maniacal laughter was interrupted when a figure cloaked in bright pink shadows stumbled into the room. "So I haven't been completely forsaken..."  
  
And so, after whoever is in charge of the music decides to stop playing that dark and foreboding music (stop it!), we finally return to our reluctant heroes, who have just entered the Great Hall, where there was a disco going on.  
  
Draco blinked. "Okay... This is very disturbing. What the--? Is that Dumbledore having tea with Voldemort?!" Indeed the Headmaster was doing just that. "Perhaps it would be better to just leave."  
  
Girl-type Neville blocked the exit. "No way. Not until I get hot water, and get out of this fic for good. So come on!" He/she dragged poor Draco across the Great Hall, where indeed people were disco dancing, over to the head table, where the tea party was taking place, and forced him into a chair across from the Headmaster and Dark Lord.  
  
Draco glanced at everyone at the table, then settled his steely glare on Voldemort. "This is all your doing, isn't it?" The Dark Lord looked to him in shock. "I've figured out that all of this," he gestured around him, "is the work of some spell. Most likely dark magic. So tell me. Is this, or is this not, your doing?"  
  
Voldemort -- who thankfully was not wearing his costume from the first chapter, and had in fact regressed into his 16-year-old form of Tom Riddle -- cleared his throat. "Although I'd like to claim responsibility, I cannot. I, too, have been drawn into this." He stood up, and gestured to his clothes (dark blue pants and top), which were actually rather plain and mild, compared to what other students were wearing. He then gestured to his hair, a dark blue, and eyes, a yellowish green. For some reason, his sixteen year old self looked no older than 12. "I only wish that I knew which show I'm supposed to be from. All I know is that I'm from the same one that some red-haired girl is in, and she is supposed to be one of the heroes, while I am not."  
  
Draco growled and cursed his luck, while Neville poured hot water over himself, returning to his boy form. Some boys that had followed them to the table looked around to see where the girl had gone, lowering the bouquets of flowers they held in their hands. Neville noticed, and leaped over the table to beat them up.  
  
"You sick perverts! Stop following me! I am a guy! A guy!" That went on for a while, so Draco just ignored them and looked around the room. (Dumbledore had mysteriously vanished, and Voldemort was playing with small golden-yellow marbles.)  
  
There wasn't anything much happening to speak of, just a bunch of students and professors disco dancing. Or so that's how it seemed, until he noticed what could only be the red-haired girl that Tom Riddle had spoken of across the room, looking increasingly annoyed. Draco blinked a few times. "It figures," he muttered as he realized that she was Ginny Weasley, and that she had just blasted some poor jerk with a fireball. "I swear, if this is one of those fics that pair the two of us together, there'll be hell to pay..."   
  
With that pathetic and not-so-ominous threat loitering about in the air, Draco stood up and slowly approached her, carefully making sure that he didn't make any sudden moves in her presence. He stopped when he heard her screaming something at the aforementioned poor jerk.  
  
"And that's for telling me that the author is over her writer's block and wants me to star in this! Fireball!" She blasted the guy again, and spun around to face Draco, who froze. The twice-blasted poor jerk crawled away, never to be heard from again. "And I guess you're my sidekick," Ginny greeted, not impressed.  
  
Draco unfroze, an indignant expression on his face. "Excuse me? I have been the star of the previous three chapters of this insanity fic, so I am not your sidekick! Even in the real story, I'm not anyone's sidekick! If anything, you're the sidekick! Or at least would be if the author didn't want you to be one of the heroes helping me out. Are you even listening?!"  
  
Indeed Ginny was not, for she was busy blasting at a group of students dressed like random anime bandits, taking whatever treasure they had, and proclaiming 'victory!'. When she noticed Draco was done with his speech, she turned to face him once again. "I suppose I'll let you tag along... But whatever treasure we find, I keep! Do I make myself clear?"  
  
"Whatever." There was a long pause. "Um, doesn't a chapter usually end when someone new joins the hero party--"  
  
"-Tachi."  
  
The purple-haired Slytherin blinked. "Huh?"  
  
"-Tachi is used to describe groups. Like one could say 'Ginny and her fellow adventurers', or else 'Ginny-tachi'. Of course, calling something merely a '-tachi' is wrong and would indicate poor Japanese skills. And since it's just the two of us right now, I suppose saying 'Ginny-tachi' right now is wrong, too. When we get someone else into the group, then that term will be used." She nodded, thus ending her exposition.  
  
Draco sweatdropped. "Um, since I'm the main character, wouldn't it be 'Draco-tachi', instead?"  
  
Hellmaster Voldemort shot a random blast of dark magic at them, missing them on purpose. "If you two don't knock it off and get a move on, I'm gonna kill the both of you!" He paused. "Of course, that might not be such a bad idea..."  
  
Now it was Ginny's turn to sweatdrop. "Um, maybe we should get out of here. For now. But before we go, FIREBALL FIREBALL FIREBALL!" She blasted Voldemort with a few fireballs, then grabbed Draco's wrist, and ran out of the Great Hall, dragging the flying Slytherin behind her.  
  
Once they exited, the sorceress began to barricade the door, while the purple-haired one watched on. "Um, isn't Neville supposed to be part of the group?"  
  
"He's a martial artist. If he's supposed to be part of the group, he'll find his own way out. Of course, now I think we know who one of the villains might be. At least, sometime in the future." Done with barricading the door, she sat down, a thoughtful expression on her face. "Of course, he's breaking the rule. I'm not sure if it was mentioned or not, but there was only supposed to be one character per series. That means we might never see him again. At least not as the same character."  
  
Draco just stared at her. "The only reason you're here is for exposition, isn't it?"  
  
"Baka!" Ginny smacked him over the head with a paper fan. "We're not supposed to mention that word! Weren't you given the rule book?" She paused and shook her head. "Nevermind. No, I don't exist for... that reason. I'm here because I fulfill the role of magic user, just as you fulfill the role of warrior. We only need to find the healer, and the dumb swordsman, and our group will truly be complete."  
  
"More rules?"  
  
The talkative red head nodded. "Most adventuring groups are set up that way. Ready? Let's go!" She raised her fist in the air as a particularly energetic rock song (otherwise known as the ending theme) started.  
  
Draco looked around for the source of the music. "Where's that coming from?" He got smacked with a mallet this time as the words 'To be continued' appeared on the non-existent screen.  
  
After the ending song ended (hee!), the next episode preview began.  
  
**Ginny:** "Hi! I'm here to tell you about the next episode, as is proper in most anime series!"  
**Draco:** "Will you quit with that whole 'properness' crap?! You're sounding just like mudblood Granger!"  
**Ginny:** "Fireball!"  
**Draco:** "Itai..."  
**Ginny:** "As I was saying, next episode should be even better. Not only will I get to beat on and torment Draco some more--"  
**Draco:** "Hey!"  
**Ginny:** "--But we'll be one chapter closer to the end. Which means I'll be one chapter closer to getting my paycheck! Wai!"  
**Draco:** "You get a paycheck?! How come I don't get a paycheck?!"  
**Ginny:** "Join us in '_Thrills, Spills, Draco's Breath Kills!_'"  
**Draco:** "What the--? What kind of title is that?!"  
**Ginny:** "Join us!"  
  
**Translations**  
-tachi = Ginny explained it pretty well. It's a short way of saying that everyone's part of a group.  
Baka = Idiot, moron, jellyfish-for-brains, etc.  
Itai = Ow  
Wai = Yay! 


	5. Free donuts!

**Disclaimer:** Woe there be. Nothing belongs to me. Except the Sacred Fish. Whee!  
  
((**Author Note**: I really need to update this more. Originally, I hadn't planned on writing anything past the first chapter, but I got bored and wrote more. And then more. And then it started to bug me that I left this unfinished. So I am curently trying to finish this. There are some ideas I had floating around in my head that I was going to use for this chapter, but couldn't find anywhere to place them. So, I'll probably end up forgetting them. For my fans, sorry for the lateness, and why do I have fans in the first place? Enjoy!))  
  
  


**Adventures in Insanity**

**_Episode 5:_** Oh no!! We finally get a plot!  
  
Last time, Draco and Neville made it to the Great Hall, where a group of overly amorous boys accosted the poor gender-bender with flowers and candy. That is, until he splashed himself with hot water, thus reverting to his male form, and left to beat them up. Then, a hotheaded sorceress named Ginny joined in the fun, attempting to steal our hero's spotlight while setting many fires in the process. The two of them left the Great Hall after unceremoniously flaming Voldemort many, many times. It was then that the group dynamics were clarified, and the two went off to search for the others.  
  
----- ----- ----- ----- -----  
  
The pair walked through the corridors of Hogwarts, Draco grumbling about foul tempered red heads trying to steal his spotlight, and Ginny shooting him glares every now and then. It seemed as though they had been walking forever, not getting anywhere. Nothing in their surroundings were the least bit familiar, making him believe that they were hopelessly lost.  
  
"Where are we?" he finally asked, stopping to look around.  
  
Ginny shrugged. "Dunno. Hell, maybe?"  
  
Draco sighed. "Hell I'm familiar with. I've been trapped there since the first chapter. What did I do to deserve this?"  
  
"Well, you act like a prat in the real story, so perhaps it's karma?"  
  
It was Draco's turn to glare at Ginny. "Why can't you be shy and quiet, like you are in the books?"  
  
The ill-tempered mage simply smiled. "You forget that in the real story, my brother once said something along the lines of how I was usually very talkative and outgoing when not around Harry. I don't see him anywhere around, do you?"  
  
Draco smiled crookedly. "Thank god."  
  
Ginny's eyes narrowed, and she raised her hand, palm pointed at the purple-haired bishonen. "Fireball!"  
  
The extra-crispy boy coughed out a puff of smoke. "Is there any way to get this story with before I become a human barbecue?"  
  
The pyromaniac shrugged, and turned to examine a door that they had passed many, many times. "Yeah, if you keep your mouth shut. Hey, check this out. I don't like the looks of this door."  
  
Draco, now unexplainably clean for someone who had just been flame-broiled, stepped closer for a look. "I don't like it, either. Of course, it does say 'First villain through here', so I can't imagine that there's anything to like about it." He was hit over the head with a mallet for his troubles.  
  
"Baka! And besides, it also says 'Free donuts, inquire within'. Mmm... Donuts."  
  
"They're probably poisoned-- Ow!" Yet another mallet was introduced to his head.  
  
Led by her extreme hunger, Ginny opened the door, and walked inside, not caring that it was an apparent trap. Even though he didn't really care about whether she survived the chapter or not, Draco was forced into the room as well when the most disturbing sight of Filch and his cat doing the Macarena down the hall greeted him.  
  
The reluctant hero took in his surroundings, looking disgusted at the lilac colored décor all around him. There was something inherently familiar with all of this, but he couldn't quite place his finger on it...  
  
"The author wouldn't be that cruel, would she?" Ginny muttered under her breath as she too looked around.  
  
That prompted a fruity sounding laugh from somewhere behind them, and a bright pink shadow appearing out from where there was once normal looking shadows. "I can't believe that the two of you would be stupid enough to fall into my trap. Of course, that goes without saying, because only I could ever think of something as clever as luring you here with food. I marvel at my own genius!"  
  
"She would," Draco replied.  
  
Indeed, as further proof of author evilness and/or insanity, before them stood Gilderoy Lockhart, dressed most garishly in bright orange robes with pink trim. His teeth sparkled as he smiled dumbly, waiting for them to say something.  
  
Ginny smirked, and cracked her knuckles. "Che. I suppose we'll be fighting you now, won't we. Yoshi!" She took a spell casting stance and began chanting. "_Darkness beyond twilight / crimson beyond blood that flows_..."  
  
Although Draco had never seen any anime at all in his life, let alone the one that Ginny was supposed to come from, he instinctively knew that the spell she was casting was _very bad_. He ducked under a table that was conveniently nearby, and boosted his ki for further protection from the _very bad_ spell.  
  
Lockhart made the previous actions unnecessary, as he held out a piece of paper and began to speak. "I must warn you that if you proceed any further, there could be complications that I'm sure none of us would like to face."  
  
Ginny stopped as she recognized the paper he held in his hand. A contract. Although it wasn't hers, on it was the frightening name of a character worlds away, in a fanfic she might never get to be in. The character she was supposed to be representing in this fic.  
  
The former professor smiled. "You get it now, don't you? Complete the spell, and she will be summoned here. And while I must complement your near mastery of her character, you still pale in comparison to the real deal." He laughed, and cast a spell that surrounded him with cherry blossom petals. "Of course, all pale in comparison to me, but that's not really the point, is it." Without warning, he blasted Ginny into the far wall, knocking her unconscious.  
  
"Ginny!" Draco shouted (as he would never lower himself to scream her name, even under these most ridiculous circumstances). He stood up, knocking the table he had been hiding under, while gold sparks surrounded him.   
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
**Ginny:** "Wow, things are getting tense."  
**Draco:** "Aren't you supposed to be unconscious?"  
**Ginny:** "It's the next episode preview, silly."  
**Draco:** "Yare, yare..."  
**Ginny:** "So next episode we get to see our first real fight scene, and get some answers on what's really going on."  
**Draco:** "I thought I was just being tormented..."  
**Ginny:** "Nope! The next episode is '_Wai! Fisshu sutikkusu!_'"  
**Draco:** "God, I need a drink..."  
  
**Translations**  
Bishonen = Pretty boy  
Baka = Idiot, moron, etc.  
Che = Just a sound. Much like hmph. Is also an interjection (i.e. Damn! And some harsher stuff)  
Yoshi = All right! OK!  
Ki = Life force; energy  
Yare = Is an exclamation of relief or disappointment. Closest English equivalent is "my, my"  
Wai = Yay!  
Fisshu sutikkusu = Fishsticks 


	6. Laugh of the Annoying Female Anime Chara...

**Disclaimer:** Every single chapter, the answer's still the same. I own absolutely nothing, now stop asking or I'll go insane.  
  
((**Author Note**: Wai! Another chapter done. Is it just me, or are the chapters getting shorter and shorter? Oh, well. At least now I have an actual idea of where the story's heading, so I can finish it soon. I now know how it will end. So long as I remember, all will be well. Of course, chances are the story will not be able to find its final destination that easily...))  
  


**Adventures in Insanity**

  
**_Episode 6:_** Shainingu! Draco no Kakusei! Densetsu no Senshi...  
  
Last time, our heroes -- having been promised free food -- were lured into a trap. The powerful spellcaster had been knocked unconscious after being momentarily distracted, leaving our hero all alone with the egotistical villain who had done said luring and distracting.  
  
----- ----- ----- ----- -----  
  
Draco stood, surrounded by gold sparks. "She was my only chance at getting out of here. You can tie the ghost of Cedric Diggory in a broom closet, you can lie to us about there being free donuts, but you can NOT ruin my only chance of getting out of this damn place! YOU WILL PAY!" The sparks around him flared up into a golden aura, surrounding him. His purple hair turned gold (and stood up in spikes), and his blue eyes turned jade green.  
  
Lockhart quickly tried to back away. Finding his way blocked by some conveniently placed furniture, he cowered. "But there are free donuts! Over there!" He pointed to a box of donuts sitting innocently on yet another table. "And you can get out! The door's over there!" He pointed to the door.  
  
Draco's aura flickered once more, then returned to 'normal'. He ran over to the box of donuts. "Ooh! Food! I'm starved!"  
  
Ginny woke up, despite having been unconscious for only a few seconds. "Did someone say 'food'? Mine!" She beat Draco to the donuts, devouring them all before he had a chance to get there. "Mmm..."  
  
Draco cried a river of tears at the thought of food long gone. Lockhart just stood there blinking. Ginny just smiled, then proclaimed that she was still hungry.  
  
Snapping out of his grief, Draco turned back to Lockhart, his aura flickering gold once more. "Where was I? Oh, yeah. FAINARU FURASSHU!" He shot a very powerful beam of ki at Lockhart, who only had the time to widen his eyes before he was consumed by it.  
  
Ginny grabbed Draco's still outstretched hand and dragged him out of the room. "Let's see if there's any food at the Great Hall. Maybe we'll find one of the other cast members we're supposed to get."  
  
After marveling at her obliviousness for a few moments, Draco powered down, as it made being dragged a lot easier. "Shouldn't it be over? We killed the bad guy, after all."  
  
The sorceress shook her head. "Iie. He's not dead. Even if he was, we still have to contend with whoever he was working for. An ending is never that easy." She stopped in her tracks, causing Draco to crash into her. In front of them stood Pansy Parkinson -- garbed in priestess robes -- who appeared to be waiting for them. The two heroes took fighting stances, preparing for another battle.  
  
Pansy scoffed and looked down at the floor. "You know, I've had a real hard time trying to find a role in this fic. The author doesn't really seem to like me much, because she's had me killed off twice already. But I think third time's a charm, ne? We've sort of reached an agreement, because she was at a loss for a character, and I wanted a chance to prove myself." She looked up, holding a knife in one of her hands. The others' fighting stances deepened. She smiled and ran the knife across one of her arms. The others blinked. She placed the knife back in its sheath, and held her hand over her injured arm. "Heal!"  
  
Draco and Ginny stood in relaxed astonishment as sparkly bright green light emitted from Pansy's hand. Her self-inflicted wound healed itself, and she looked up at them, smiling. "I heard you're in need of a healer."  
  
The warrior was still dumbstruck, but Ginny was able to regain her wits. "Chotto matte! You can't just waltz right up to us and claim to be the healer we're looking for! We're supposed to quest, dammit! And besides, what series are you supposed to be from, anyway?"  
  
Pansy merely waved her off. "I'm one of those general anime characters of the healing variety. I won't let my character define my personality. Oh ho ho ho ho ho!!" As she laughed the 'Laugh of the Annoying Female Anime Character' laugh, everyone else in the vicinity covered their ears. (Including a suit of armor, despite not really having ears.)  
  
"Ah! My ears! They're bleeding!" Draco complained, writing on the ground in pain as the healer laughed on.  
  
At last she stopped, not caring about her companions' discomfort. Her eyes widened as she saw something behind them. "Minna!" Before anything further could be said, she was sent flying by a blast of energy, this time not from Draco.  
  
Lockhart smiled as Ginny and Draco turned around. Wires and other mechanical stuff could be seen where some of his skin had been melted off by the Final Flash he had endured earlier. Draco powered up again, scowling. Ginny sent half a dozen fireballs towards Robo-Lockhart, who withstood each of them.  
  
"Naughty children. Those who stand in the way will die!" The robot formerly known as Lockhart sent an energy blast their way, which Draco easily caught and tossed aside. A mountain blew up. Although what a mountain was doing in the hallway was one of the many mysteries best left unsolved.  
  
Draco smirked, and spit onto the floor. "Che. You've got to do better than that. Allow me to demonstrate. FAINARU FURASSHU!"  
  
"FIREBALL!"  
  
Even though being hit with both attacks at once would kill your average person, since Robo-Lockhart was indeed a robot (or android, if you want to go into technicalities) and not a normal person by any means, he was able to remain standing, although more wiring and metal were exposed. The robot began to laugh while it powered up another attack.  
  
"Kuso!"  
  
Both Ginny and Draco tried to hide behind the other, looking very comical in doing so. With a sigh, Pansy -- who had been recovering from her own blast as everything had taken place -- stood up and charged at Lockhart, knife in hand. The robot sweatdropped, although no one was quite sure how, as robots normally don't have sweat glands. But hey, if inanimate objects can sweatdrop, why not robots?  
  
"Divine Blade!" The blade of Pansy's knife extended until it was the length of a sword. Before the mechanical maniac had time to react, the sword had cut into him, snapping wires and cutting through metal. In seconds, the villain was scrapped.  
  
The miko turned to her more experienced companions and sweatdropped. They were engaged in a shoving match, still trying to hide behind each other. With a sigh, she retracted the long blade back until it was a knife again. Looking up at them again, she laughed the 'Laugh of the Annoying Female Anime Character'. The two stopped fighting at once to cover their ears, and Pansy stopped.  
  
She smiled and flashed the 'victory' sign. "Victory!"  
  
Draco and Ginny glanced at the remains of Robo-Lockhart and sweatdropped.  
  
TO BE CONTINUED  
  
**Pansy:** "Yay! I've finally made it through a chapter of this without getting killed!"  
**Draco:** "That's not exactly saying much."  
**Ginny:** "At least now we've come one step closer to ending this."  
**Draco:** "That's not exactly saying much."  
**Ginny:** "Next time! The Obligatory Cross-Dressing Episode!"  
**Draco:** "Nani?!?!"  
**Pansy:** "Oh, Drakkie-chan, you'd look so kawaii in a dress!"  
**Draco:** "I would not!!"  
**Ginny:** "Me thinks thou dost protest too much!"  
**Draco:** "Not fair not fair not fair!!!"  
  
**Translations**  
Wai! = Yay!  
"Shainingu! Draco no Kakusei! Densetsu no Senshi..." = "Shining! Draco's Awakening! The Soldier of Legend..." Or at least that's what the intended title is. My grammar is poor.  
"Fainaru Furasshu" = "Final Flash" (Yes, I know whose move it really is, but it was the first attack that came to mind. And it just sounds cool.)  
Ki = Energy  
Iie = No  
Ne? = Right?  
Chotto matte! = Wait just a minute!  
Minna = Everyone  
Che = An interjection.  
Kuso = Crap.  
Miko = Priestess  
Nani = What  
-chan = Honorific used mainly for girls. Pansy still hasn't learned correct honorific usage.  
Kawaii = Cute 


End file.
